GOON SQUAD SERMONS

Cung Le: Movie Star or Moving Target?

One thing’s for sure: some shit’s going down in San Jose, Calif. on Saturday at UFC 139.  While most fans love the fact that former the Pride Fighting Championship superstars Mauricio “Shogun” Rua and Dan Henderson will square off for what is expected to be a barn-burner, the best fight on the card will be Cung Le vs. Wanderlei Silva. It’s the battle between a budding action-movie star and a true legend of MMA.

Le and Silva bring almost diametrically opposed fighting styles to this bloody bonanza and, as we all know, styles make fights. Le is a technician, having honed his skills through Sanshou, Chinese martial art that incorporates striking and grappling.  He also had a 16-0 run as a kickboxer. Since entering the MMA realm, he hasn’t really over-powered his opponents, but has shown versatile and accurate striking. Silva, however, is every bit of his nickname, “The Axe Murderer.”

Wanderlei "The Axe Murderer" Silva: Has Been or Hell-Bringer?

Of the two combatants, Le is the most intriguing. He’s what people consider a martial artist, back before MMA was a legitimate sport, kind of like Chuck Norris. Granted, he has a decent fight pedigree, but fighters with similar credentials haven’t done too well against stiff competition. And he has more than a few factors working against him in this showdown.

Although Le was Strikeforce’s middleweight champion, he hasn’t fought anyone who can even be remotely considered a top-tier fighter. The only true name on his resume is Frank Shamrock, a man who was certainly game, but considerably past his prime when Le fought him. After Shamrock, Le fought UFC cast-off Scott Smith twice, losing once by a flash knockout in the third round of a title fight, then winning the second fight by a second-round knockout. But that was in June 2010. Since then, Le relinquished the middleweight title to pursue a movie career. Seeing as that decision will yield only a 2012 release named “Danger Eyes,”  in which Le stars opposite Jean-Claude Van Damme, one can only assume that the movie career isn’t all Le hope it would be.

Coupled with the fact that Le recently turned 39 and has displayed an apparent lack of conditioning in his past fights, Le has to travel down a hard road to battle against Silva. Still, Silva’s not without his challenges either.

While Le has taken a year and a half off and is known to take time off between fights, Silva has the opposite problem. If anything, Silva has fought too much during the course of his legendary career. After 45 fights and 23 victories by knockout, “The Axe Murderer” appears to be losing his edge. In his last fight, Chris Leben knocked out Silva 27 seconds into the first round. Of his last five fights, Silva’s lost three, with two of those defeats coming by knockout. As much damage as he’s caused other fighters, Silva has entered the stage of his career when each loss means more damage to himself. In addition to all that worn tread on his tires, Silva’s certainly no spring chicken at the age of 37.

But he does have the benefit of facing a much higher level of competition than Le. Of his three most recent losses, two have been to MMA badasses Rich Franklin and Quinton Jackson. Furthermore, Silva isn’t going to compromise his vicious trademark come-forward-at-all-costs style. Le’s never seen anything like it. And make no mistake, no one has ever questioned Silva’s conditioning.

If he doesn’t simply lay Le out in brutal fashion, Silva’s going to spend three rounds working his opponent like a Kansas mule at planting time. Furthermore, if there are any weaknesses in Le’s conditioning and this fight creeps into the third round, Silva’s going to have another notch on his belt.

Here’s the catch, though: Le has a lot more than his safety riding on this fight. If he gets shit-stomped by Silva, Le’s burgeoning movie career will be out the window. His cred will be nil, despite the fact that he’s a pretty decent mixed-martial artist. However, if he manages to beat Silva, Le’s stock will be on the rise. After that, maybe he fights again, maybe he doesn’t. But his acting career will have some traction, which may give him some leverage with the UFC. Granted, it’ll be leverage generated from straight to DVD B-level ironic fight masterpieces, but still, not a bad way to go. After all, who didn’t love “Bloodsport?” His name even sounds like the villain from that movie, right? Right.

For that reason alone, Le should know what he’s up against. He thinks he can win this fight, so why wouldn’t anyone else? Therefore, the pick is Le by flying ninja spin-kick to the dome. Whatever happens, he’s going to an experience like he’s never had before. All we have to do is watch. That’s why this will be the best fight on the main card.

1. “At least I wasn’t sexually harassing men. Did I mention I do not support gay marriage?”
2. “Looking back on it, when other politicians went through similar situations, I thought to myself, ‘What does this have to do with this man’s ability to lead the nation?’ That’s how I feel about me now.”
3. “Who says those women didn’t sexually harass me? I’m Hermain Cain! Bitches be wantin’ to ride the Cain Train, knowwhatImsayin’?”
4. “$35,000? Eliot Spitzer spent that much on hookers. At least Herman Cain doesn’t need prostitutes.”
5. “I wasn’t even there when these woman say I was. I was visting ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan.”
6. “See? This is why I don’t respect women. You try to make them feel special, then they file a sexual harassment claim.”
7. “At least I wasn’t caught in a shower with a 10-year-old boy. That shit is fucked up.”

1. President Bill Clinton pops a load on Monica Lewinsky’s dress. She looks up at him. He looks down at her. “Oops,” he says.
2. After cajoling an intern to do one more shot with “The Prez,” Rick Perry finds out about severe alcohol poisoning, as the intern’s limp body crashes to the floor, hitting his head on the corner of a table in the Oval Office. President Perry says, “Oops.”
3. After convincing an actual, real-live leper that she can be healed through faith, Rick Perry puts his hands on her sores and says, “Heal thyself.” Ten days later, the leper’s arm falls off then she dies. Rick Perry holds a press conference to say, “Oops.”
4. After abolishing the EPA, oil companies run amok in the Alaska wilderness, covering trees and woodland creatures with crude oil simply because it’s possible. Most of America’s water supply is contaminated, prompting people to only drink Gatorade. When the press asks President Perry for a comment on how all  of this could have been possible, he responds with stone-faced certainty, “Oops.”
5. In 2000, an unknown citizen in Florida recounts all the ballots and determines that Al Gore actually won the election. “Oops,” he says to himself.
6. The world economy further collapses. There is rioting in the streets. President Perry, President Herman Cain, President Ron Paul, President Michele Bachmann, or President Rick Santorum calls a press conference. “Oops,” one of them tells the press, as cameras pop and a legion of angry Americans bust through the gate of the White House. “Oops.”
7. President Cain sticks his hand up yet another woman’s skirt, disregarding her protests in the process. She files a sexual harassment claim. “Oops,” he tells the media. “I didn’t know that bitch was crazy.”
8. President Clinton repeals the Glass-Steagall Act, prompting the creation of a boom-and-bust economy that’s more ka-boom-and-bust than anything else. “Oops,” says Clinton years later.
9. President George W. Bush says Saddam Hussein is hiding weapons of mass destruction, and was behind 9/11, then goes to war about it. “Oops,” he tells Dick Cheney.
10. Speaking of 9/11, President George W. Bush sits in a classroom reading a book to kindergartners. News arrives that the World Trade Center has been hit by an airplane. President Bush delves deep into his own psyche to answer the call to America and humanity. “Oops,” he says to himself. “I have no idea what to do.”