Hey girl. Come on over. Let’s Random House and chill tonight. ‘Cuz, you know, the book is always better than the movie.

We can curl up on the couch, turn the lights down low—but not too low, because I don’t want to get eye strain—and get literary. We’ll take turns highlighting our favorite passages and making sexy, insightful comments in the margins. When you’re reading, I’ll take out my big, thick dictionary, and keep it ready to look up any word whose meaning isn’t clear within the context of a sentence.

Let’s be naughty. I want to judge a book by its cover. You in? After that, we can read the dedication. Is this book dedicated to that special someone without whose love and understanding this book wouldn’t have been possible? Damn that’s sexy.

We can trace our hands over the pages, letting the grainy surface remind us that e-readers aren’t for lovers. We’ll stare at the font selection, asking if it’s Caslon or Garamond, then reminisce about Johanes Gutenberg and how he felt holding the first printed page in his hands. Did he feel the way we do right now? No, girl. ‘Cuz he didn’t have your love to help him phonetically sound out words.

I’ll read whatever you want, however you want me to read it. You like classics? How about some Camus? Everyone talks about The Stranger but I like to get down on The Rebel, because I’m nobody’s fool. I see you peaking over at Tropic of Cancer. I like where you’re going, but let’s take it slow. I want to take some time and explore your favorite genres before we get down on a book.

Do you read best sellers? Do you like Tom Clancy? Me neither. How about The Secret Chord by Geraldine Brooks? It’s spiritual, just like you. And The Washington Post said it was “A page turner.” You know how I like turning your pages and metaphors, although that wasn’t a metaphor. I genuinely enjoy turning pages for you.

Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?

Let’s get a little more comfortable. I’m going to take my shirt off while you think about Danielle Steele’s latest romantic novel, The Mistress, where “love and freedom are the most dangerous desires of them all.”

Not your thing? I know you like to keep it real. Let’s check out the non-fiction selections. Sorry, I can’t get into Not that Kind of Girl. Lena Dunham just doesn’t do it for me. Don’t you worry, though, I can get feminist with you. Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl by Carrie Brownstein looks like an entertaining and sassy read about gender dynamics that will widen our perspective of the world around us.

All this talk about reading is making me thirsty for knowledge. Pick a book and hand me my reading glasses. It’s time to get down to biz-nazz.